The Importance of Being Ernest

We are all familiar with the story of Ernest Hemingway; it’s a tragic narrative of an American legend. At the age of three, Ernest Hemingway caught his first fish on the shore of Bear Lake in Illinois using only his teeth. His skills as an outdoorsman rapidly grew; soon he began building fires, cooking in the open, using axes, and making bullets. On his twelfth birthday he was given a present of a single barrel 20 gauge shotgun, and he quickly dispatched a bear. As a journalist for the Kansas City Star, he covered everything that went on in the local police station, train station, and hospital, all while wearing a uniform with a large “H” prominently displayed on the chest. While carrying a bus to safety in Italy during World War II, Hemingway was struck by several high explosive shells from the Austrian artillery. He was released from the hospital a week later with a limp. Onlookers were enchanted by Hemingway's ability to drink whole kegs of beer while making love to four women simultaneously. Women swooned at the sight of his bare chest. Unfortunately, all royalties from his books went to support the more than three dozen children he sired (some legitimate, most not). Hemingway served as Calvin Coolidge’s Secretary of State, albeit briefly. He also weighed approximately 500 pounds (most of it muscle) and once won a wrestling match against Old Kite, the horse he later shot and ate.